I Want to Be Here

Just a note that writing with gender neutral pronouns give me a headache, so I'm not using them here.

My favorite person from our cohort dropped out of the program this week*.  I now realize that there were signs, but I was totally taken by surprise.  This person, let's call him/her the gender neutral name of Taylor, had changed their area of specialization earlier in the semester because they weren't happy. I thought they were doing much better now, but I guess not. 

I emailed Taylor to make sure everything was okay and to say I was really sorry they were leaving.  They emailed me back and basically said they were not happy with the program and life is too short to do something you do not really love or want to do.  Of course it is, so I'm glad Taylor found this out now rather than later. 

I am really bummed that Taylor is leaving though.  They were the person I most identified with and got along with, and I'm sorry to see a potential friend leave the program.  But it also reaffirmed my desire to be here.  When I read Taylor's email, I couldn't identify with anything they said.  I felt for them, sure, but I didn't relate.  Life is too short for me not to do this.  I had a conversation once with Taylor about the job market.  Taylor had said something like, "If it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world.  There are other things I can do."  I had agreed with them at the time, but I was actually thinking, "Like what?  There is nothing else I really want to do." 

Our graduate studies director says that once during your Ph.D. education, you will have this huge breakdown and not know if you want to do this anymore.  Well, I've had lots of little breakdowns, but I never think "I don't want to do this."  Sometimes I think, "I can't do this," and I get so upset at those times because I really, really do want to do this.  I am really sad for Taylor, but I am feeling content that I am where I belong. 

*I have a long history of people that I am friends with or living with leaving school.  In freshman year of college, my roommate left school after a few months.  The next year I was living with my best friend.  She left after Christmas.  Junior year I lived with four girls...and two left in the spring.  During my graduate work, I made a friend.  He left to go to law school. 

Maybe a tiny computer would help this paper...

I have a paper due early next week and I am just sleepwalking through the writing right now.  It's at the point where I have all the quotes and examples I want to use, the main idea, a few key words and phrases....and that's it.  My connections feel repetitive, and my transitions are nonexistent.  I am so not in the groove right now.  My paper looks like  mess: big chunks of quotes, one or two lines of things I am reminding myself to talk about, and then bix X's and highlighted words that say EXPLAIN or WRITE MORE.  This happens every single time I write a paper, and every single time I am nervous that I won't get that rush and won't finish.  It will come, but the wait is killing me. 

I really want to do well on this paper because I have other intentions for it outside of class.  I spent a considerable amount of time the other day looking for conferences.  My conference experience is embarrassingly weak and is something I would really like to work on.  Anyways, there is a conference next year that shares its theme with this paper!  It is as if I was writing this paper for the conference; it is just that perfect.  So of course I want it to be up to snuff (read: minimal revisions). 

This conference is out of the country.  All right, fine, let's just finish the paper first and think about this later.  I keep looking at call for papers and realize that the top three conferences that I would love to present at, and have papers or ideas for, are all out of the country.  My university gives maybe four or five travel awards a semester for students and the funds are like $300 to $500, so an out of the country conference would have to be pretty fucking special for me to attend, and forget about multiple international conferences.  That's okay, let's just focus on this one paper and I'll figure out that other stuff later.

In more exciting news, I'm expecting a tiny computer today.  Others call them netbooks, but I call them tiny computers because they are so frickin' small!  When I first saw them popping up on campus, I thought they were hilarious looking, but after lugging my regular size laptop with numerous books and notebooks everywhere, I started rethinking the tiny computer.  So last weekend my husband and I ran around town to scope some out and we found an awesome deal on one.  We had seen one at an electronics store and then saw the same exact model for $120 less!  That is a deal!  They didn't have any in stock at the store, so they are shipping it here and I should be getting it today.  I am very excited for my new tiny computer. 

To add to new things, I got a very early Christmas present this week from my mother.  It is this print of old books very nicely framed.  It is going in our office right next to my desk and now I secretly want to paint our office.  We didn't paint it when we moved in, and now we have three huge bookcases in there that I really don't want to move.  However, the color is this depressing non-color of a yellow/taupe/creme color that is quite lackluster.  Maybe I can convince my husband to help me in a little weekend project of painting...