Confession: I'm Afraid of Professors

I think I may have hinted about certain social anxieties I have, but I don't know if I've ever gone into full detail.  Prepare yourself for self-doubt, deprecation, and over-thinking overdrive.*

I have a problem that I can best characterize as social anxiety, but that is not really it.  I love people, I have a nice group of friends, I am not socially awkward, and I think I am pretty likable.  But I have this weird thing with authority in that I never rebelled against it and now have way too much reverence for it.  For instance, even though I am entering the later half of my Ph.D. career, I am still deathly afraid of professors.  While other Ph.D. students call professors by their first names, socialize with them, and write little witticisms on their Facebook pages, I still get sick to my stomach when composing an email or get tongue-tied when I have to talk to them one-on-one.**  Not good.

As you may recall, starting next semester I will begin an assistantship at my university.  A couple of weeks ago, I went down to campus to take care of a few business matters and had to use the copy machine that is located in a locked room where many of the faculty have their mailboxes.  I was sweating bullets the entire time.  Why, you might ask, would this seemingly harmless activity cause my anxiety to rise through the roof?  Well, as soon as I put the first paper (which was not my own, but owned by the department) through the copier, the machine jammed and I was having a very hard time fixing the problem.  I started thinking that faculty would come in to get their mail and see this girl there who was taking apart their copy machine like a nut, and would immediately be suspicious, make a snide remark, and report me (yeah, report me).  This, of course, makes no sense, but at that moment I was really frightened of something like that happening.  I would have destroy all evidence of ever being in that room, escape down the halls and through the back stairwell, but they would all remember me as the person who broke the machine and when I returned to work there in August, I wouldn't be allowed access.  Again, ridiculous. 

Needless to say, everything went fine.  I fixed the machine, made my copies, and went home. 

Later, I was talking to my mom about this move to the university from the community college and she asked if I was nervous.  "Not about teaching," I said.  "Then what?" she asked.  Well, I'm nervous about:
Where will my office be?  Will it be with the other new GTAs or the old ones who have already formed a clique and I will be all alone and have no idea what is going on?
Where will my mailbox be? 
Will the other GTAs treat me like shit because I am further along in the program but just now getting this assistantship?
Will I have to hobnob with faculty?  Dear god, no.
Basically, where do I go, how do I get there, and what do I do?

My mom started cracking up.  "I can't believe you are still like this!  The first day of elementary school you were most nervous about how to use the lunch line."
Well, yeah, that shit is scary.

Anyways, all this came back into my head because I just made myself sick to my stomach by thinking about writing an email to my advisor.  Thinking, people, not even writing yet.  I'm supposed to be getting together the texts for my Qualifying Exams, but I have been taking a really looong time doing this and now I'm afraid that my advisor is going to be pissed and annoyed.  In addition to that, I've decided that I want to do my exams/dissertation on a topic that includes two subtopics that I actually haven't ever taken a class on and know little, if anything, about.  That may sound weird so just go with me that it actually makes sense.  Anyways, I am not aware of the key secondary texts on these subtopics.  I've been searching, but I really think I should get an email out to my advisor to let him/her know that I am alive, working on this, and hey, can you point me in the right direction.  Cue the instant stomach pains and hand shaking.

*This might be a family problem as my dear cousin suffers from the exact same thing.  My favorite story of hers is when she went to high-five a coworker who was actually giving her a thumbs up.  She ended up enveloping his thumb with her hand.  Instead of laughing this off and forgetting about it like a normal person would do, she thought about it for months. 

**An example that happened two years ago that I still cringe over: I was in a shared common room of two professors looking for a paper.  In walks Super Respected Important Prof who sees me digging like some squirrel at his bookshelves.  He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him that I'm looking for a paper for Prof. X's class, but it seems that he forgot to put them out.  Super Respected Important Prof points to this GIANT sign that says "Prof. X Papers" that is right over my head.  I blush and say something jumbled like, "Oh, it is so cold outside that I can't even see!"  Does that make any sense?  No, no it does not.  Super Respected Important Prof stares at me for a second and then walks into his office.  Humiliation ensues.

Summer Daydreaming

I'm not due up for teaching until the end of this month, and my mind has been wondering.  It's that summer daydreaming.  This week vacations have been dangling themselves in front of my nose and in the words of Liz Lemon, I want to go to there. 

It started with a bike tour through Tuscany.  Doesn't that sound amazing?  It does. 

I get these emails from a company that hosts designer sample sells, and they also have a travel section.  That should have been my first clue that this trip would be waaayyy out of my price range, but I saw the words "wine" and "gelato" and my mind was gone. 

The trip sounded amazing.  You bike all day, with stops for wine tasting, gelato tasting, picnics, tours, and end each day at a luxurious 4-star hotel or B&B's (not my thing, but whatever).  The pictures look incredible and I was in love.

I went to the website knowing full well that we aren't going on any other vacations this year and probably no vacations next year or the year after that.  But, you know, it doesn't hurt to look.  Anyway, I clicked on over to the Ciclismo Classico (in case you were wondering), and saw these trips run about $4,000.  Each.  Per person.  Oh sure, let me just reach in my pocket here.  Whoops, I must have left four grand in my other jeans. 

So, hell no was my answer there, but it was late at night and my time was just begging to be wasted, so I started searching around for other bike tours and found many in Ireland, which I think would be a beautiful country to see by bike.  I saw more awesome trips, looked at more gorgeous pictures, and gasped at outlandish prices. 

I filed those trips in my mind to be checked out again for maybe a 10th year anniversary trip, when a giant trip catalogue landed on my front porch.  I flipped through and saw another dream: a trip through Egypt with a cruise down the Nile.  Again, it looked amazing and the itinerary was really a one of a kind.  But the crazy thing was that they wanted me to give them money in order to take part.  Of course, that just won't do.  Another trip on the back burner. 

Those people must be in my mind, because I just got up to go check the mail and there was a more detailed itinerary of the Egypt trip.  They know.

Where I Babble About Soccer

It's that time again!  That time that sends most of the world into an absolute frenzy for two weeks.  I am, of course, talking about the World Cup and I am super excited about it.  I am watching the South Africa/Mexico match right now and have already gasped, cheered, and have been on the edge of my seat.  That has just been in the first five minutes.

So I'm getting a little tired of various U.S. media outlets telling me that we just don't care about soccer.  Every World Cup, the same conversation happens in the U.S.: soccer is boring, nothing happens, nobody in the U.S. cares, blah, blah, blah.  Last night on "The Colbert Report," there was a soccer debate and this Marc Fisher guy really rubbed me the wrong way.  He was anti-soccer, calling the game too simple for us Americans.  When kids grow up, Fisher argues, they crave "complexity" to their sports.  Uh, like Nascar?  Nothing more complex than cars driving in a circle, right?  Okay, that was my snobbery there, but come on.  This guy obviously has no understanding of the game, which is a problem.

Hmm, I keep trying to embed the Colbert video, but it disappears when I publish.  If you're interested, it is at the http://www.colbertnation.com/home website, the second video, and about 5:30 in. 

It makes me wonder if these people who keep telling us that we hate soccer know who they are talking to, or will be talking to in a few years.  Yes, the sport is no way as popular here than in other parts of the world and it has taken us much longer to jump on the bandwagon.  But we have jumped.  When I played soccer in high school, there were only two or three other girls in my grade who had been playing since childhood.  Each year the freshman class brought in more and more girls who had been playing for years.  It is no longer an odd sport for children to play, and those children become adults who will be watching the World Cup.

We don't care about the World Cup?  According to my Facebook (yes, I'm citing Facebook), a majority of my friends do care.  Granted, many of my Facebook friends are soccer players, but it is an interest that they have kept until adulthood.  You better believe that we will be watching these games together in homes, in bars and restaurants, and discussing them afterwords.  Advertisers, are you listening?  We care!

Not exciting?  Who wasn't riveted to their screen in 1999 when Brandi Chastain scored the fifth penalty kick to clench the win for the United States over China.  The absolute pure joy and excitement...come on, that's soccer. 


Okay, so I just watched that video and actually the most exciting part was Scurry's save.  That is insane.  It is nearly impossible for goalkeepers to save penalty kicks!  I also forgot about much I loved Mia Hamm when I was younger. 

I just read through this post and laughed at how inarticulate I am.  Lesson: don't write blog posts on Friday mornings when my attention is elsewhere.  Anyways, my point is younger generations are going to care about soccer, futbol, whatever, and this is going to have to be realized soon. 

*I was going to make a point about the athleticism of soccer players by showing some pics of shirtless male soccer players next to their not so fit (maybe baseball?) counterparts, but that was going to send this post in an entirely different direction.  So just trust me: they're hot.

To not hear "That was due today?"

Oh, the syllabus.  Never did I think I would have to spend so much time on this all-important document. 

Let me explain.  My students just do not understand the syllabus.  They don't get it.  Even though a huge chunk of the first day is spent going over the document (Look, every assignment you will ever have to do is on this!  With due dates!  All test dates are on here as well!  Holy crap, it is a complete schedule of the semester with everything you will ever have to know!), many of my students lose it within a week and will continually ask for another copy.  Even when I email it to them.   ::pounds head on table::

Not only that, but they will keep asking me when things are due.  Fine, I'm teaching this class so I'll tell you.  However, it is on the assignment sheet and the frickin' syllabus!

Anyways, the thing that causes a lot of problems and that I am trying to address today is that apparently my syllabus format is confusing.  I think it is pretty easy to understand and I've based the form off of a lot of past syllabi I have had myself as a student, but every year I encounter the same problem so obviously something isn't working.  The schedule is broken up in a table by day and on each day I will have what I expect to be done by that class period; basically, what are we going over.  So it might say:

Monday
Read pgs. 30-55; exercise 3f
Essay 1 Due

or something like that, and those are the things I expect them to have done by the time they get to class on Monday.  I go over this many times on the first day, but it doesn't matter.  No matter what, the first two weeks will be filled with confusion when students say they thought that meant I wanted them to do those things that day and bring them in the next class period.  Now, my thinking is that I am not telling them when to do their homework so why would that be in the syllabus?  They can do it whenever they want!  I'm just saying when I want it by. 

Either way, I guess this is confusing for them so now I need to try something different for the summer semester.  I don't know if I should just keep my table and add a headline that says something like DUE, or TO BE DONE, or YOU BETTER HAVE THIS DONE BEFORE YOU ENTER THE CLASSROOM ON THIS DAY.  Maybe the entire table needs to be scratched and I need to start all over. 

Any suggestions?      

Rape and Power

Have you guys seen this?  The main suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway, Joran van der Sloot, is once again a murder suspect, this time in the murder of a woman in Peru.  van der Sloot is not in custody and police are looking for him.  The victim,  Stephany Flores Ramirez, was found in a hotel room with stab wounds and possible date-rape-type pills were found in her car. 

This makes me sick to my stomach.  van der Sloot is the lowest of the low, complete scum of the earth.  Did you see that undercover confession of his from 2006?  It was disgusting.  It is obvious that he feels he is above the law, is self-centered, and has no remorse in his involvement with an innocent girl's death. 

I am reminded of Historiann's post about the murder of college student Yeardley Love, Privilege, rage, and Southern Honor.  The antics of Love's alleged killer, George Huguely V, ring all too familiar with the attitude that van der Sloot takes in his hidden camera confession.  Growing up in a world of privilege, these men view everything, including the freedom and sexuality of women, somehow as directly related to their own identity, autonomy, and power.  When Love walked home with another man, Huguely's rage boiled over to the point of violence as he attacked the other man (and teammate).  It's been awhile since I watched van der Sloot's confession and I can't get it to play on my computer, but I remember his entitled and disgusting attitude very clearly.  He never referred to Holloway by name, instead preferring to call her "the bitch."  His recollection made it clear that he did not view Holloway as a person, but just as a body, a body that soon becomes dangerous and threatening to his own safety. 

Somewhere connected to this is Bitch Ph.D.'s post on raising strong women who are comfortable with their bodies, selves, and sexuality in such a violent world.  At the end of the entry, the author of the post asks parents to weigh in on this important question.  I have only briefly skimmed the comments, but I noticed a lot of parents of sons sharing comments on how best to raise the issue of sex with boys.  It is nice to see parents of not just daughters, but also of sons, sharing this concern of responsible sex education. 

To end this circle of my morning thoughts, I am finally reminded of my freshman year of college.  My dorm was hosting a preventative rape seminar led by the RAs.  Basically their message was "Be careful where you walk, be careful when you drink, and don't sleep with a drunk girl, no matter what," or something like that.  The guys basically agreed, but many of the women there were upset.  But get this: they were upset because they thought that women were getting off too easily.  Again: they wanted some blame on the female if she is drunk.  Their main argument was basically that it is not fair to men if a woman says she wants sex when she is drunk, then changes her mind the morning after and charges the innocent man with rape.  I was dumbfounded that these women thought that a majority of females were so manipulative!  But it is this same idea that the female body is a sight of danger and entrapment. 

And that's where I'm at on this Thursday morning.