Just a note that writing with gender neutral pronouns give me a headache, so I'm not using them here.
My favorite person from our cohort dropped out of the program this week*. I now realize that there were signs, but I was totally taken by surprise. This person, let's call him/her the gender neutral name of Taylor, had changed their area of specialization earlier in the semester because they weren't happy. I thought they were doing much better now, but I guess not.
I emailed Taylor to make sure everything was okay and to say I was really sorry they were leaving. They emailed me back and basically said they were not happy with the program and life is too short to do something you do not really love or want to do. Of course it is, so I'm glad Taylor found this out now rather than later.
I am really bummed that Taylor is leaving though. They were the person I most identified with and got along with, and I'm sorry to see a potential friend leave the program. But it also reaffirmed my desire to be here. When I read Taylor's email, I couldn't identify with anything they said. I felt for them, sure, but I didn't relate. Life is too short for me not to do this. I had a conversation once with Taylor about the job market. Taylor had said something like, "If it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. There are other things I can do." I had agreed with them at the time, but I was actually thinking, "Like what? There is nothing else I really want to do."
Our graduate studies director says that once during your Ph.D. education, you will have this huge breakdown and not know if you want to do this anymore. Well, I've had lots of little breakdowns, but I never think "I don't want to do this." Sometimes I think, "I can't do this," and I get so upset at those times because I really, really do want to do this. I am really sad for Taylor, but I am feeling content that I am where I belong.
*I have a long history of people that I am friends with or living with leaving school. In freshman year of college, my roommate left school after a few months. The next year I was living with my best friend. She left after Christmas. Junior year I lived with four girls...and two left in the spring. During my graduate work, I made a friend. He left to go to law school.
That's an important realization.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you can parse your feelings about that so well. Grad school can (and maybe even should) test your will to continue at times, and for a variety of reasons good and bad, you will see a lot of attrition as time goes on. A friend of mine throughout my grad school career dropped out near what should have been the end of hir studies, and like with your friend, there were plenty of signs that things were not proceeding correctly. (In fact, I read those signs accurately long before my friend did.) That former grad student is a much happier human being now, and I now have an elaborately detailed understanding of what one's grad school experience should not be. It'll be handy to use as a road map if I ever see a student moving along similar lines.
ReplyDeleteYou will be tested again at some point. It's neither good nor bad; it just is. Just be honest with yourself at all times, and you'll do fine.